Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words. — Winston Churchill
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite. — Winston Churchill
If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce. — Winston Churchill
There are two things that are more difficult than making an after-dinner speech: climbing a wall which is leaning toward you and kissing a girl… — Winston Churchill
You don't have to suffer to be a poet; adolescence is enough suffering for anyone. — John Ciardi
No sane man will dance. — Marcus Tullius Cicero
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault. — Marcus Tullius Cicero
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. — Tom Clancy
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. — Woody Allen
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. — Woody Allen
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. — Woody Allen
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. — Woody Allen
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. — Woody Allen
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. — Woody Allen
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? — Woody Allen
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy. — Carl von Clausewitz
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. — Woody Allen
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. — Woody Allen
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? — Woody Allen
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. — Woody Allen
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. — Woody Allen
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. — Woody Allen
There's a few tunes of mine that don't have jokes, but most of them have a joke and they have a humorous point of view… — Mose Allison
When love is gone, there's always justice. And when justice is gone, there's always force. And when force is gone, there's always Mom. Hi, Mom! — Laurie Anderson
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough. — Mario Andretti

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: