Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

I've spent enough time with soldiers to know that once they get to know you and they loosen up and become themselves, they are some… — Peter Berg
Happiness is good health and a bad memory. — Ingrid Bergman
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think. — Milton Berle
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. — Milton Berle
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name. — Milton Berle
Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded. — Yogi Berra
There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy. — Ambrose Bierce
Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. — Ambrose Bierce
An egotist is a person of low taste - more interested in himself than in me. — Ambrose Bierce
What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would… — Ambrose Bierce
I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats. — Ambrose Bierce
The covers of this book are too far apart. — Ambrose Bierce
Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones. — Ambrose Bierce
There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory. — Josh Billings
Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed. — Josh Billings
Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got. — Josh Billings
There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together. — Josh Billings
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. — Erma Bombeck
Never have more children than you have car windows. — Erma Bombeck
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. — Erma Bombeck
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. — Napoleon Bonaparte
Doctors will have more lives to answer for in the next world than even we generals. — Napoleon Bonaparte
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. — Napoleon Bonaparte
The French complain of everything, and always. — Napoleon Bonaparte
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how… — Elayne Boosler

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: