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Humorous Quotes by George Burns
- Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
- When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
- If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
- Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
- I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
- From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.
- I worried about playing God (in the movie Oh God). We're about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.
- None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother got around to…
- Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago.…
- Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it.
- Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice; no family should…
- Sex is the Universal Language in which nobody speaks; they don't have to.
- Sex has been around for a long time. You may not believe this, but it was around before I was.
- Since I've made it to 87 so far, obviously my two kids and my seven grandchildren haven't been too hard on me. On the other…
More Humorous Quotes
- Wit is educated insolence. — Aristotle
- The gods too are fond of a joke. — Aristotle
- It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims. — Aristotle
- People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. — Isaac Asimov
- I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. — Isaac Asimov
- Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all time low over the world. — Isaac Asimov
- O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. — Saint Augustine
- Give me chastity and continence, but not yet. — Saint Augustine
- If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. — Tallulah Bankhead
- No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. — Honore de Balzac
- It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple reason that it is more difficult to be witty… — Honore de Balzac
- Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. — Douglas Adams