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Funny Quotes by George Burns
- Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
- Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
- It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
- Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness…
- When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
- Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
- First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
- Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
- Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
- If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
- Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
- I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
- Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.
- At my age flowers scare me.
- It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
- I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.
- I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
- I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
- I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
- I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.
- How did I ever get sick? I've already had everything.
- I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.
- It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.
- Life's but a day at most.
- I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.
More Ways to Read Funny Quotes by George Burns
More Funny Quotes
- To be free in an age like ours, one must be in a position of authority. That in itself would be enough… — Hannah Arendt
- These are the fifties, you know. The disgusting, posturing fifties. — Hannah Arendt
- I'm literally open to any medium that will have me. — J. J. Abrams
- We must all make peace so that we can all live in peace. — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. — Aristotle
- There is no great genius without a mixture of madness. — Aristotle
- I hope to make movies that are so small they don't need to make anything to be profitable. — J. J. Abrams
- I love recording music. — J. J. Abrams
- Hope is the dream of a waking man. — Aristotle
- Education is the best provision for old age. — Aristotle
- I've had the same friends since I was in kindergarten. — J. J. Abrams
- I also have this incredible love for women. — Kevyn Aucoin