Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people. — George Carlin
Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help. — George Carlin
In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down,… — George Carlin
I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be… — George Carlin
Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases… — George Carlin
The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time. — George Carlin
I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then… — George Carlin
Christian Deodorant: "Thou Shalt Not Smell" — George Carlin
You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like; generally, it's… — George Carlin
"Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass." — George Carlin
The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains. — George Carlin
In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time… — George Carlin
A pear is a failed apple. — George Carlin
Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and… — George Carlin
The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. "There weren't any serious violations," said the officers, "she just rubbed us the… — George Carlin
When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make… — George Carlin
I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to… — George Carlin
I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and… — George Carlin
Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists." — George Carlin
To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope. — George Carlin
If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found. — George Carlin
As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path. — George Carlin
You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we've had… — George Carlin
McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery. — George Carlin
Professional soldiers are people who die for a living. — George Carlin

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: