Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we… — George Carlin
The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is… — George Carlin
Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!" — George Carlin
In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf."" — George Carlin
When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke. — George Carlin
My dad is a very quick-witted, sarcastic, dry, humorous guy, whereas my mom's very silly, and that side of the family is very musical. — Tim Heidecker
I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow. — Billy Connolly
If you love your job, you haven't worked a day in your life. — Tommy Lasorda
You can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you better know something. — H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
I would like to be able to admire a man's opinions as I would his dog - without being expected to take it home with… — Frank A. Clark
The only possible conclusion the social sciences can draw is: some do, some don't. — Ernest Rutherford
A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge — Robert Breault
All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought — Robert Breault
As I may or may not say to the Lord on Judgment Day, "You ask a lot of questions for someone who has so much… — Robert Breault
I rant, therefore I am — Dennis Miller
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights — Jay London
I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants — Dave Beard
I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry — Norman Wisdom
I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room — Mercedes McCambridge
If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth — Logan Pearsall Smith
I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced — Ruby Wax
I'm for whatever gets you through the night — Frank Sinatra
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes — Jay London
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings — Jay London
Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of — Robert Benchley

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: