Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

She say, Celie, tell the truth, have you ever found God in church? I never did. I just found a bunch of folks hoping for… — Alice Walker
The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy. — Bill Maher
We even switched to a newly-formed church across the town that gave one hundred and twenty trading stamps each time we attended. (We now worship… — Erma Bombeck
I've always figured that if God wanted us to go to church a lot He'd have given us bigger behinds to sit on and smaller… — P.J. O'Rourke
Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, "And let there be aluminum siding." Climbing a tree… — Tim Allen
From the air, Vatican City looked like a marble Monopoly set. The Church owned all the property from Broadwalk to Illinois Avenue, has three hotels… — Tom Robbins
Like most people who smoked umpteen cigarettes a day, I tasted only the first one. The succeeding umpteen minus one were a compulsive ritual which… — Clive James
The Democrats believe that if God did not want them to raise taxes, He would not have created the Internal Revenue Service. — Dave Barry
The Democrats said, "We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it." The Republicans said, "There's nothing wrong with America, and we… — P.J. O'Rourke
The Democrats planned to fiddle while Rome burned. The Republicans were going to burn Rome, then fiddle. — P.J. O'Rourke
I say the American Medical Association ought to get the hell off the golf course and answer this question ... — Dave Barry
In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you a tetanus shot. — Dave Barry
I feel that nasal spray is a wondrous medical achievement, because it is supposed to relieve nasal congestion, and by gadfrey, it relieves nasal congestion.… — Dave Barry
People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal. — Erma Bombeck
If you think that you have caught a cold, call in a good doctor. Call in three good doctors and play bridge. — Robert Benchley
You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to see the dog doing them. — Bill Cosby
Earnest is our dog. She senses instantly that something is wrong, and guided by that timeless and unerring nurturing instinct that all female dogs have,… — Dave Barry
The first animals to be successfully domesticated were dogs, which were a big help because they would bark all night and fetch thrown sticks, thereby… — Dave Barry
Mousse was a Labrador retriever, which is a large enthusiastic bulletproof species of dog made entirely from synthetic materials. This is the kind of dog… — Dave Barry
When I say "dogs", I'm talking about dogs, which are large, bounding, salivating animals, usually with bad breath. I am not talking about those little… — Dave Barry
Dogs make good pets because they are very loyal — Dave Barry
I saw a great Newfoundland dog the other day sitting in front of a mirror at the entrance to a shop in Regent's Circus, and… — Jerome K. Jerome
My folks were English . . . we were too poor to be British. — Bob Hope
We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes. — Bob Hope
England occupies a warm spot in my affections. It was the scene of my greatest performance. I was born there. — Bob Hope

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: