Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars,… — Jack Benny
Free speech isn't dead in Germany and Italy, merely the speakers... — Bob Hope
One key lesson of history is that virtually anything, including afternoon or evening thundershowers, causes Germany to invade Belgium. — Dave Barry
A German singer! I should as soon expect to get pleasure from the neighing of my horse. — Frederick The Great
In leadership we teach we teach;Don't send your ducks to eagle school because it wont help.Ducks finishes eagle school,sees his first rabbit, makes him a… — Jim Rohn
Manage by responsibility.It is a powerful way to grow people. — Brian Tracy
Manage by exception.Only require reporting when there is a deviation from the plan. — Brian Tracy
Reinforce what you want to see repeated.What gets rewarded gets done. — Brian Tracy
The British are proud of their ability to create a muddle and then muddle through all difficulties. I must shake the British pride: muddle is… — George Mikes
East Germany was so total in its totalitarianism that everything was banned which wasn't compulsory. — P.J. O'Rourke
Germans respond well to lies. At least, they always have historically. — P.J. O'Rourke
We are told that Sin consists in acting contrary to God's commands, but we are also told that God is omnipotent. If He is, nothing… — Bertrand Russell
After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to… — Bill Cosby
Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent . . . he's not rich enough to be a Republican. — Bob Hope
Of course God enjoys a good prank as much as the next infallible deity. — Dave Barry
The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little oversight. — Erma Bombeck
If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it? — George Carlin
I worried about playing God (in the movie Oh God). We're about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods. — George Burns
Give God the margin of eternity to justify himself. — Hugh Reginald Haweis
Randy and I were goggle-eyed as we gazed over the wonders of what Walt Disney had wrought. It was a magnificent demonstration of what God… — Jack Paar
The sky was so clear that the starlight cast shadows, and so many sparkles and glitters and glints appeared above us that it looked like… — P.J. O'Rourke
Passover is my idea of a perfect holiday. Dear God, when you're handing out plagues of darkness, locusts, hail, boils, flies, lice, frogs, and cattle… — P.J. O'Rourke
Nothing like a little chest pain to restore your faith. — Ray Romano
I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.) — Tim Allen
You wonder if God doesn't have an answering machine to screen out the prayers of the venal and the boring? And in which category has… — Tom Robbins

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: