Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

Was he joking? Was he being sarcastic? Aggressive? Impertinent? Or just courteous? There was no telling from his impassive face. What a country, he thought… — George Mikes
In Moscow they do not pay much attention to the living but keep their cemeteries in a splendid state. — George Mikes
Stalin didn't write any memoirs. He was too secretive. He was afraid people might read them. — Jonathan Lynn
There are artists with palettes and easels selling the kind of modern art that Soviet art critics used to critique with bulldozers. Judging by the… — P.J. O'Rourke
I suspect the soviets never did want to use those bombs. The most Stalinist of Soviet hard-liners - Stalin, for example - must have realized… — P.J. O'Rourke
It was to be a short visit for the G-shevs. More than four days in the U.S. and Raisa's VISA card bill would shatter the… — P.J. O'Rourke
It had never occurred to us that the Kremlin's new anti-booze campaign would apply to journalists. Now, that's a human-rights violation. — P.J. O'Rourke
The commies are the only people on earth who think Star Wars will work. If they're that gullible, maybe we should have held the summit… — P.J. O'Rourke
Moscow has changed. I was here in 1982, during the Brezhnev twilight, and things are better now. For instance, they've got litter. In 1982 there… — P.J. O'Rourke
What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which… — W.C. Fields
In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete. — Yakov Smirnoff
The first time I came across the birds and the bees in actual flight, I couldn't identify the formation. — Bill Cosby
All marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and every night, it's the same sex. — Bill Maher
In this book I do not intend to give a blow-by-blow description of a sex bout: I find them inartistic, clinical and unpoetic. The circumstances… — Charlie Chaplin
I'm afraid that, in this chapter we must talk about sex in a very explicit manner, because we want to expand the Frontiers of Human… — Dave Barry
I'm not saying that women don't think about sex also. I'm saying that women are capable, for at least brief periods of time, of not… — Dave Barry
The only way I'd need a pain reliever to enjoy sex is if all of my fantasies came true at the same time. — Drew Carey
Sex in the nineties is boring. The problem is that it has gone from an active act to a spectator sport. We watch people make… — Erma Bombeck
With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield. — Erma Bombeck
Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice; no family should… — George Burns
Sex is the Universal Language in which nobody speaks; they don't have to. — George Burns
Sex has been around for a long time. You may not believe this, but it was around before I was. — George Burns
If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked? — Henny Youngman
When you're young and you get to choose between sleep and sex you take sex everytime. You start getting older, you get to choose between… — Jeff Foxworthy
I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox. — Joan Rivers

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: