Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around. — Joan Rivers
Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride"... — Joan Rivers
I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them. — Joan Rivers
Better laid than never. — Joan Rivers
A sexual athlete is not likely to find sufficient energy for work of another athletic kind, and the acting of great parts most definitely was… — Laurence Olivier
If a guy's ever telling you a four-hour sex story with a straight face, just feel sorry for him. Not for lying to you, but… — Ray Romano
When she liked anyone it was quite natural for her to go to bed with him. She never thought twice about it. It was not… — W. Somerset Maugham
Figures often beguile me, particularly when I have the arranging of them myself; in which case the remark attributed to Disraeli would often apply with… — Mark Twain
Averages don't always reveal the most telling realities. You know, Shaquille O'Neal and I have an average height of 6 feet. — Robert Reich
Don't call me when you're stuck in traffic. It's not my fault that radio sucks and did it ever occur to you that there wouldn't… — Bill Maher
9 saw the first direct-dialed long-distance telephone call, between New York and San Francisco. Of course, back in that primitive era the parties had to… — Dave Barry
What I like best about the telephone is that it keeps you in touch with people, particularly people who want to sell you magazine subscriptions… — Dave Barry
One son appears in stereo - a transistor in one ear and the phone in the other.. — Erma Bombeck
Last year I gave seventy-four phone hours to soliciting baked goods for the Bake-A-Rama. I was named Top Call Girl by the League. — Erma Bombeck
Phone are wonderful instruments, but I wouldn't want our daughter to marry one. — Erma Bombeck
[Answering the phone] Hello, this is a recording, you've dialed the right number, now hang up and don't do it again. — Frank Sinatra
I am absolutely sick unto death of hearing people say - they all say this; it must be Item One on the curriculum in Trend… — Dave Barry
Since I've made it to 87 so far, obviously my two kids and my seven grandchildren haven't been too hard on me. On the other… — George Burns
I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could just… — Jerry Seinfeld
Tell me about yourself - your struggles, your dreams, your telephone number. — Peter Arno
As expected, you get his machine. Someday, even the "call of nature" will be answered by a machine. — Tom Robbins
I don't laugh that much, but I do like humorous books, and I like to entertain readers that way. — Jonathan Ames
Any good broadcast, not just an Olympic broadcast, should have texture to it. It should have information, should have some history, should have something that's… — Bob Costas
I think there are two prevailing views of the suburbs in the States: either they're this sort of tedious place, where everyone is the same,… — Megan Abbott
What if the worst is true? What if there's no God, and you only go around once, and that's it? Don't you want to be… — Woody Allen

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: