Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: passive systems collect the sunlight that hits your home, and active systems collect the sunlight that hits your… — Dave Barry
We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging… — Dave Barry
Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs… — Dave Barry
The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be… — Dave Barry
The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your money. So unless you have pond silt for brains,… — Dave Barry
You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits… — Dave Barry
You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from houses. Really, that's what scientists… — Dave Barry
Cancel me not - for what then shall remain? Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, A root or two, a torus and a node: The inverse… — Stanislaw Lem
Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, And every vector dreams of matrices. Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: It whispers of… — Stanislaw Lem
Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, Their indices bedecked from one to _ n, Commingled… — Stanislaw Lem
I'll grant the random access to my heart, Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; And so we two shall all love's lemmas… — Stanislaw Lem
In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. Our symptotes no longer out of phase, We shall encounter, counting,… — Stanislaw Lem
Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats in… — Stanislaw Lem
Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. She scissored short. Sorely shorn, Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, Silently scheming, Sightlessly seeking Some savage, spectacular suicide. — Stanislaw Lem
Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. — Winston Churchill
College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if the… — H. L. Mencken
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. — Rich Hall
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it… — Rich Hall
The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters. — Rich Hall
Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line. — Rich Hall
The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises). — Rich Hall
The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. — Rich Hall
The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. — Rich Hall
Manhandling the open here spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the illegal side. — Rich Hall
The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long. — Rich Hall

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: