Humorous Quotes
1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors
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Hell is a half-filled auditorium.
— Robert Frost
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A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
— Zsa Zsa Gabor
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He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
— Zsa Zsa Gabor
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If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
— John Kenneth Galbraith
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There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
— Mahatma Gandhi
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Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning.
— Bill Gates
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640K ought to be enough for anybody.
— Bill Gates
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The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
— Charles de Gaulle
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If you owe the bank $100 that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.
— J. Paul Getty
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If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
— J. Paul Getty
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I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers.
— Khalil Gibran
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A clever man commits no minor blunders.
— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
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I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should.
— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
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I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
— Samuel Goldwyn
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I love the protest signs protected by the First Amendment - some of them humorous, some of them passionate, some factual, some entirely incorrect -…
— Jennifer Granholm
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Silence is argument carried out by other means.
— Che Guevara
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Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
— Cathy Guisewite
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Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.
— Cathy Guisewite
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My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
— Billy Connolly
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I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
— Billy Connolly
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A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
— Bill Cosby
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The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
— Jilly Cooper
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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
— Tommy Cooper
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If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.
— Rob Corddry
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People are wrong when they say opera is not what it used to be. It is what it used to be. That is what's wrong…
— Noel Coward
Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes
573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: