Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar. — Billy Crystal
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart. — E E Cummings
Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it. — Salvador Dali
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad. — Salvador Dali
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. — Rodney Dangerfield
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. — Rodney Dangerfield
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. — Rodney Dangerfield
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. — Rodney Dangerfield
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other! — Rodney Dangerfield
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a… — Rodney Dangerfield
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant… — Clarence Darrow
I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it. — Clarence Darrow
Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont. — Clarence Darrow
I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair. — Bette Davis
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.' — Les Dawson
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. — Les Dawson
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant. — Ellen DeGeneres
I think; therefore I am. — Rene Descartes
Each problem that I solved became a rule, which served afterwards to solve other problems. — Rene Descartes
The trouble with being educated is that it takes a long time; it uses up the better part of your life and when you are… — Philip K. Dick
He would make a lovely corpse. — Charles Dickens
My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra. — Angie Dickinson
The best doctor is the one you run to and can't find. — Denis Diderot
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? — Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. — Phyllis Diller

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: