Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. — W.C. Fields
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. — W.C. Fields
I like children - fried. — W.C. Fields
The world is an infinitely fascinating, tragic and humorous place. — Mike Figgis
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action. — Ian Fleming
It isn't what they say about you, it's what they whisper. — Errol Flynn
The purpose of education is to replace an empty mind with an open one. — Malcolm Forbes
If you don't know what to do with many of the papers piled on your desk, stick a dozen colleagues initials on them and pass… — Malcolm Forbes
Don't find fault, find a remedy. — Henry Ford
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal. — Henry Ford
Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs. — Henry Ford
Spoon feeding in the long run teaches us nothing but the shape of the spoon. — E. M. Forster
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. — Buddy Hackett
The beauty of 'spacing' children many years apart lies in the fact that parents have time to learn the mistakes that were made with the… — Sydney J. Harris
Never mistake motion for action. — Ernest Hemingway
Time is a circus, always packing up and moving away. — Ben Hecht
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. — Mitch Hedberg
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. — Mitch Hedberg
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. — Mitch Hedberg
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. — Mitch Hedberg
Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them. — Joseph Heller
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy. — Ernest Hemingway
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure. — Oliver Herford
There's one thing about baldness, it's neat. — Don Herold
Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs. — Alfred Hitchcock

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: