Humorous Quotes
1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors
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It's only words... unless they're true.
— David Mamet
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I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
— Imelda Marcos
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Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
— Christopher Marlowe
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Injections are the best thing ever invented for feeding doctors.
— Gabriel Garcia Marquez
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A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
— Don Marquis
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Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.
— Don Marquis
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You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
— Dean Martin
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If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
— Demetri Martin
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The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
— Demetri Martin
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But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
— Andrew Marvell
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Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
— Groucho Marx
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I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
— Groucho Marx
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All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
— Groucho Marx
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Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
— Groucho Marx
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Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
— Groucho Marx
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I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate…
— Groucho Marx
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Before I speak, I have something important to say.
— Groucho Marx
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Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
— Groucho Marx
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From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
— Groucho Marx
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If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
— Groucho Marx
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It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
— Groucho Marx
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Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
— Groucho Marx
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Room service? Send up a larger room.
— Groucho Marx
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Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
— Groucho Marx
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The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor…
— Groucho Marx
Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes
573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: