Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. — Joan Rivers
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. — Joan Rivers
There are very few people who are not ashamed of having been in love when they no longer love each other. — Francois de La Rochefoucauld
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need. — Auguste Rodin
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. — Will Rogers
The 1928 Republican Convention opened with a prayer. If the Lord can see His way clear to bless the Republican Party the way it's been… — Will Rogers
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out? — Will Rogers
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do. — Will Rogers
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago. — Will Rogers
People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide. — Will Rogers
The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is the Democrat is a cannibal they have to live off each other, while the Republicans, why,… — Will Rogers
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in. — Will Rogers
To educate a man in mind and not in morals is to educate a menace to society. — Theodore Roosevelt
A clever, imaginative, humorous request can open closed doors and closed minds. — Percy Ross
Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you. — Jean Rostand
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. — David Lee Roth
People who know little are usually great talkers, while men who know much say little. — Jean-Jacques Rousseau
The tenderest spot in a man's make-up is sometimes the bald spot on top of his head. — Helen Rowland
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. — Rita Rudner
To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' — Rita Rudner
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. — Rita Rudner
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? — Rita Rudner
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet. — Damon Runyon
When a man is wrapped up in himself, he makes a pretty small package. — John Ruskin
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts. — Bertrand Russell

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: