Humorous Quotes
1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors
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The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.
— Fran Lebowitz
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Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.
— Fran Lebowitz
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The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
— Jay Leno
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You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.
— Jay Leno
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I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
— David Letterman
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Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
— Oscar Levant
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The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.
— Oscar Levant
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If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
— Sam Levenson
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When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
— Richard Lewis
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I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
— Richard Lewis
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If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
— Abraham Lincoln
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Brains, you know, are suspect in the Republican Party.
— Walter Lippmann
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The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.
— Vince Lombardi
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If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
— Alice Roosevelt Longworth
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I wish I had the nerve not to tip.
— Paul Lynde
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I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
— Paul Lynde
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We are not retreating - we are advancing in another direction.
— Douglas MacArthur
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It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
— Niccolo Machiavelli
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Entrepreneurs are simply those who understand that there is little difference between obstacle and opportunity and are able to turn both to their advantage.
— Niccolo Machiavelli
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Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
— Bill Maher
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Men are only as loyal as their options.
— Bill Maher
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What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.
— Bill Maher
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God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
— Naguib Mahfouz
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A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
— W. Somerset Maugham
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I can imagine no more comfortable frame of mind for the conduct of life than a humorous resignation.
— W. Somerset Maugham
Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes
573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: