Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper. — Bertrand Russell
Democracy is the process by which people choose the man who'll get the blame. — Bertrand Russell
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. — Bertrand Russell
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so. — Bertrand Russell
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. — Mark Russell
All science is either physics or stamp collecting. — Ernest Rutherford
It is far better to grasp the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring. — Carl Sagan
My life needs editing. — Mort Sahl
There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can't do any business from there. — Colonel Sanders
Everything has been figured out, except how to live. — Jean-Paul Sartre
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do. — Jean-Paul Sartre
Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering. — Marilyn vos Savant
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident. — Arthur Schopenhauer
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. — Jerry Seinfeld
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. — Charles M. Schulz
Try not to have a good time... this is supposed to be educational. — Charles M. Schulz
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem? — Arnold Schwarzenegger
It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat. — Arnold Schwarzenegger
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun. — Arnold Schwarzenegger
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. — Jerry Seinfeld
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. — Jerry Seinfeld
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all… — Jerry Seinfeld
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. — Jerry Seinfeld
Poetry, I think, intensifies the reader's experience. If it's a humorous facet of the story, poetry makes it more exuberant. If it's a sad facet,… — Vikram Seth
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the… — Dr. Seuss

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: