Nikhil Saluja

I love it when I catch you looking at my open zip and then you look away..

— Nikhil Saluja

True love is surviving the fall down the stairs when you tell me that you're pregnant.

— Nikhil Saluja

It's so weird to think that before Twitter, all of this nonsense just stayed in people's heads.

— Nikhil Saluja

I'm entirely made of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.

— Nikhil Saluja

Me putting on a flowery shirt and a fancy tie is like decorative toilet paper.

— Nikhil Saluja

HUSBAND, SMART, A man who is never so busy bringing home the bacon that he forgets the applesauce;

— Nikhil Saluja

One of the most influential sources of peace is simply being comfortable with who you really are.

— Nikhil Saluja

Don't die a virgin. Remember: there are terrorists waiting for you up there!

— Nikhil Saluja

You know the acronym behind your name won't keep me from kicking your ass in the parking lot.

— Nikhil Saluja

If you are surrounded by people with empty lives don't expect them to fill yours

— Nikhil Saluja

Every night when everyone's asleep, I grab my phone and I start reading all our old conversations.

— Nikhil Saluja

Almost all serial killers are men. That's 'cause women like to kill one man slowly over many, many years.

— Nikhil Saluja

When the joke is on you, your sense of humour gets a reality check.

— Nikhil Saluja

I want to be a pharmacist. Just so I can yell Now take your suppositories and shove'em straight up your ass!

— Nikhil Saluja

Why do dogs love their daily walks? They get to check their p-mail!

— Nikhil Saluja

If Men Got Pregnant: Men would be eager to talk about commitment

— Nikhil Saluja

Whats one thing that all women have in common? They all moan in the same language.

— Nikhil Saluja

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are politicians or celebrities.

— Nikhil Saluja

There is a very thin line between gentleman and sarcastic asshole.

— Nikhil Saluja

LOVE, A strange feeling that comes over a man -- when he keeps wanting to call a girl by his last name;

— Nikhil Saluja

A Woman Never Say: If we're not going to have sex, then you have to at least let me lick your balls…

— Nikhil Saluja

A detective on the drug detail developed seizures. He is a narcoleptic.

— Nikhil Saluja

The best thing about this tweet is, by the time you found it's completely worthless, it's too late for you to stop…

— Nikhil Saluja

I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

— Nikhil Saluja

I ignore texts. I let the phone ring. It's nothing personal, but people need to realize that sometimes I don't want to…

— Nikhil Saluja

If I followed you back after 15 minutes of following me, I was just pretending to be busy & I failed.

— Nikhil Saluja

When I'm loud, people tell me to be quiet. But when I'm quiet, people ask me what's wrong with me.

— Nikhil Saluja

Ordered a tea, caught myself watching daily soap & had to reach down to check if I still had a dick.

— Nikhil Saluja

Whenever you're feeling sad masturbate, because every sad story deserves a happy ending.

— Nikhil Saluja

If you like internet jokes, you should see my online bank account.

— Nikhil Saluja

You are the Powerful person only when., your Presence can decrease or increase someones Heartbeat.!!!

— Nikhil Saluja

Ah, beer. The cause of and the solution to all of life's problems.

— Nikhil Saluja

Instagram: Because even ugly & fat girls wanna feel like models sometimes.

— Nikhil Saluja

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the Hell Happened to your bra and panties.

— Nikhil Saluja

If your daily twitter mission isn't to get 10 or more unfollows we can't be friends.

— Nikhil Saluja

You know you've drank too much when you actually ask your wife to drive you home.

— Nikhil Saluja

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

— Nikhil Saluja

Are you okay? Always the same question. I'm fine. Always the same lie.

— Nikhil Saluja

How about this, you remove Funny/Model from your bio and let me be the judge of that.

— Nikhil Saluja

Each year in my sleep I swallow about 8 spiders and 120 slices of cake.

— Nikhil Saluja