All Jack Handey Quotes
- I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I? All
- Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head". Normally,… Actually Think
- Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet. Considered
- If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness. Another Weakness
- If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch… Catch
- One thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd… Aunt
- I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our "friend." Appointed
- Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone? That way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to save out national… Deep Thought
- It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto… Ancestor
- I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling… Asked
- If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and… All
- The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine. Deep Thought
- It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny… Chewing
- Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd probably be PROUD to be sprayed by one. Bad
- You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don't even… Care
- Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was… Appeared
- When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me,… Asked
- Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground. You pull it up and pull it up, but that… Across
- I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, on thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be, "Be sure, before… All
- If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? Come on, we're not going to hurt it. Deep Thought
- Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now. Ant
- If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help: "Black-and-white, stinks all… All
- If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that… Deep Thought
- If someone told me it wasn't "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I think I'd just have to look him square in the eye and say,… Ask
- Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're all covered with leeches. Just say, "Hey, has… All