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Out Quotes by Jack Handey
- I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because…
- Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the ones we have.
- I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the…
- Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been…
- He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her.…
- If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it,…
- When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a…
- As we were driving, we saw a sign that said, "Watch for Rocks." Martha said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her…
- One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him…
- I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his…
- Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around…
- Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
- If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
- I had dreams once. Once I wanted to build the world's longest suspension bridge. But then I found out someone else had already done it.
- Eventually, I believe, everything evens out. Long ago an asteroid hit our planet and killed our dinosaurs. But in the future, maybe we'll go to…
- Isn't it funny how we'll look out the window at the moon, and then we notice it's not the moon but a streetlight? Also what's…
- Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because…
- Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I…
- I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out…
- You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water…
- Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait.…
- If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once…
- Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the…
- If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which…
- If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns…
More Out Quotes
- Economic growth may one day turn out to be a curse rather than a good, and under no conditions can it either… — Hannah Arendt
- Flattery and deceit are the darlings of great men, and so with these men spread the butter on thick, if you want… — Pietro Aretino
- Having been a child actor, I remember how directors would trick me to get good performances out of me. I don't think… — Asia Argento
- I do think the heart can balance out the mind, if your heart is in a good place it can give you… — Alexis Arguello
- In poverty and other misfortunes of life, true friends are a sure refuge. The young they keep out of mischief; to the… — Aristotle
- Democracy arises out of the notion that those who are equal in any respect are equal in all respects; because men are… — Aristotle
- Stories surge up out of nowhere, and if they feel compelling, you follow them. You let them unfold inside you and see… — Paul Auster
- Films and television and even comic books are churning out vast quantities of fictional narratives, and the public continues to swallow them… — Paul Auster
- I started out in life as a poet; I was only writing poetry all through my 20s. It wasn't until I was… — Paul Auster
- I was always interested in French poetry sort of as a sideline to my own work, I was translating contemporary French poets.… — Paul Auster
- I write the paragraph, then I'm crossing out, changing words, trying to improve it. When it seems more or less OK, then… — Paul Auster
- Getting over someone is a grieving process. You mourn the loss of the relationship, and that's only expedited by 'Out of sight,… — Hank Azaria