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People Quotes by Jack Handey
- I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'
- People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.
- If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater, because then people would sing about me and I could fly down…
- I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with…
- I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
- He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her.…
- If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!
- Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's…
- You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe…
- Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make…
- It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running…
- If I ever get rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
- I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.
- Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around…
- Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and…
- If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also…
- I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in…
- Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people…
- I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling…
- Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head". Normally,…
- If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch…
- I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, on thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be, "Be sure, before…
- If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't…
- If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really…
- I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size,…
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More People Quotes
- The sad truth is that most evil is done by people who never make up their minds to be good or evil. — Hannah Arendt
- Poets are the only people to whom love is not only a crucial, but an indispensable experience, which entitles them to mistake… — Hannah Arendt
- Culture relates to objects and is a phenomenon of the world; entertainment relates to people and is a phenomenon of life. — Hannah Arendt
- Aside from a handful of guys boxing is missing the good trainers, that's why our sport is so in the air now… — Alexis Arguello
- I work with really hard-working people who are really good at what they do. — J. J. Abrams
- As far as we are concerned, we are ready to leave today, tomorrow, at any time, to join the people of Haiti,… — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- When you care about human beings, you do your best to not repress and to not let people to repress and to… — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- As we all know, many people remain buried under tons of rubble and debris, waiting to be rescued. When we think of… — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- I know how the American people care for that democratic principle. They want to see their vote respected. As we in Haiti… — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- Sometimes people who want to understand Haiti from a political perspective may be missing part of the picture. They also need to… — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- Wise people, even though all laws were abolished, would still lead the same life. — Aristophanes
- Both oligarch and tyrant mistrust the people, and therefore deprive them of their arms. — Aristotle