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Up Quotes by Jack Handey
- I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get…
- Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you…
- I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped…
- I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up…
- If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
- If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I…
- If I lived in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That was if some…
- Martha says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Martha. Grow up.
- It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the the guy at the…
- I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be…
- I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his…
- The old pool shooter has won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did…
- I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant…
- One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.
- The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some…
- If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity 'happen.'
- The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow…
- Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Basically, it's made up of two separate words — mank and…
- It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the house across the…
- If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also…
More Up Quotes
- The sad truth is that most evil is done by people who never make up their minds to be good or evil. — Hannah Arendt
- Revolutionaries do not make revolutions. The revolutionaries are those who know when power is lying in the street and then they can… — Hannah Arendt
- I try to push ideas away, and the ones that will not leave me alone are the ones that ultimately end up… — J. J. Abrams
- All virtue is summed up in dealing justly. — Aristotle
- Growing up, my ideals were Barbra Streisand, Cher, and my mom. — Kevyn Aucoin
- When I was growing up, the men in my life were abusive; women were the ones I ran to for comfort. — Kevyn Aucoin
- Stories surge up out of nowhere, and if they feel compelling, you follow them. You let them unfold inside you and see… — Paul Auster
- Films and television and even comic books are churning out vast quantities of fictional narratives, and the public continues to swallow them… — Paul Auster