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Think Quotes by Jack Handey
- People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.
- MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all get into the car - I forget what…
- Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the ones we have.
- If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is…
- Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been…
- I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know…
- Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back.…
- If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying'. And if he asks why…
- I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped…
- If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to…
- Sometimes when I'm driving behind a big cement truck, I think of how the valve on the truck could suddenly open, spilling cement over my…
- I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up…
- Think about world peace; while you're doing that I'll be over here stealing your stuff.
- If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think…
- To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time…
- If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I…
- One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him…
- If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flipper, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flipper, wouldn't you? You'd be…
- I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the…
- When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
- I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his…
- I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant…
- Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if…
- I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.
- Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go the later you think you are.
More Think Quotes
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