« All Thinking Quotes · Jack Handey's Page
Thinking Quotes by Jack Handey
- People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.
- MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all get into the car - I forget what…
- Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the ones we have.
- If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is…
- Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you…
- Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been…
- I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know…
- Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back.…
- If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying'. And if he asks why…
- I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped…
- If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to…
- Sometimes when I'm driving behind a big cement truck, I think of how the valve on the truck could suddenly open, spilling cement over my…
- I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up…
- Think about world peace; while you're doing that I'll be over here stealing your stuff.
- If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think…
- To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time…
- If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I…
- One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him…
- If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flipper, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flipper, wouldn't you? You'd be…
- I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the…
More Thinking Quotes
- I don't think about my previous success. I'm happy that the work I've done has been very successful. — Aaliyah
- There are no dangerous thoughts; thinking itself is dangerous. — Hannah Arendt
- Under conditions of tyranny it is far easier to act than to think. — Hannah Arendt
- Having been a child actor, I remember how directors would trick me to get good performances out of me. I don't think… — Asia Argento
- I do think the heart can balance out the mind, if your heart is in a good place it can give you… — Alexis Arguello
- You can never guess or assume what anyone is going to think. — J. J. Abrams
- As we all know, many people remain buried under tons of rubble and debris, waiting to be rescued. When we think of… — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- I don't think I have a signature. — J. J. Abrams