« All One Quotes · Jack Handey's Page
One Quotes by Jack Handey
- I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because…
- I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with…
- One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake.
- If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How…
- Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group…
- When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a…
- If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think…
- When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, the gathered together one evening, slapped each other on…
- One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him…
- If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flipper, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flipper, wouldn't you? You'd be…
- One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.
- I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down and…
- Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going…
- My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one "swollen" shoe, for when you get bit by a rattlesnake.
- I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out…
- One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the…
- If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once…
- If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of…
- I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No,…
- One thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd…
- I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling…
- Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd probably be PROUD to be sprayed by one.
- Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.
- To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between,…
- If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or…
More One Quotes
- In order to go on living one must try to escape the death involved in perfectionism. — Hannah Arendt
- Power and violence are opposites; where the one rules absolutely, the other is absent. Violence appears where power is in jeopardy, but… — Hannah Arendt
- Poets are the only people to whom love is not only a crucial, but an indispensable experience, which entitles them to mistake… — Hannah Arendt
- Economic growth may one day turn out to be a curse rather than a good, and under no conditions can it either… — Hannah Arendt
- To be free in an age like ours, one must be in a position of authority. That in itself would be enough… — Hannah Arendt
- No cause is left but the most ancient of all, the one, in fact, that from the beginning of our history has… — Hannah Arendt
- The defiance of established authority, religious and secular, social and political, as a world-wide phenomenon may well one day be accounted the… — Hannah Arendt
- Where all are guilty, no one is; confessions of collective guilt are the best possible safeguard against the discovery of culprits, and… — Hannah Arendt
- I find that it's hard to fully examine one's life and not have faith be part of the discussion. — J. J. Abrams
- The most perfect political community is one in which the middle class is in control, and outnumbers both of the other classes. — Aristotle
- All human actions have one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature, compulsions, habit, reason, passion, desire. — Aristotle
- Jealousy is both reasonable and belongs to reasonable men, while envy is base and belongs to the base, for the one makes… — Aristotle