"One thing vampire children are taught is, never……" — Jack Handey
"One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake."
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Jack Handey
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397 Quotes by Jack Handey
Jack Handey has 397 quotes on this site.
A few more worth reading:
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If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have…
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I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'
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People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side,…
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The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
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I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived…
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If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater, because then people would sing about me…
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Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's…
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What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that…
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Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
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Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around…
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MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all get into the…
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I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy…
See all 397 quotes by Jack Handey »
More Children Quotes
This quote is filed under Children Quotes,
one of 18,494 quotes in that category. Here are a few more:
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Having been a child actor, I remember how directors would trick me to get good performances out of me. I…
— Asia Argento
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Those who educate children well are more to be honored than they who produce them; for these only gave them…
— Aristotle
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Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.
— Aristotle
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There's love, and certainly children you care about more than yourself. But nevertheless, we're alone in our heads.
— Paul Auster
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Three groups spend other people's money: children, thieves, politicians. All three need supervision.
— Dick Armey
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Children are supposed to help hold a marriage together. They do this in a number of ways. For instance, they…
— Richard Armour
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If you have children, you don't want to have drugs and drinks in the house. It's just not good.
— Billie Joe Armstrong
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To suggest that God specifically created a worm to torture small African children is blasphemy as far as I can…
— David Attenborough
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Little girls are cute and small only to adults. To one another they are not cute. They are life-sized.
— Margaret Atwood
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I didn't go to school for a full year until I was 12. In the summer I was a wild…
— Margaret Atwood
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The countenances of children, like those of animals, are masks, not faces, for they have not yet developed a significant…
— Wystan Hugh Auden
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A true conservationist is a man who knows that the world is not given by his fathers, but borrowed from…
— John James Audubon
See all 18,494 Children Quotes »