Jack Handey Quotes

402 quotes in 4743 categories

• If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.
• I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'
• People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.
• The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
• I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because…
• If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater, because then people would sing about me and I could fly down…
• Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in…
• What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get…
• Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
• Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got…
• MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all get into the car - I forget what…
• I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get…
• It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you…
• My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our…
• Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the ones we have.
• I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
• If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down.
• I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with…
• I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
• I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

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