Best Jack Handey Qoutes
- When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake is wrapping it too tight. You have to allow the head to breathe. Allow
- We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, and how much of it is just sort of coasting… Actually Flying
- People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working together on some sort of construction project. But what about just a big field… Assume
- Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you. Better
- If life deals you lemons, why not go kill somone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat)? Deals
- If doctors ever tell you that you've "flipped out," don't believe them, and just keep on doing what you were doing, because something tells me… Behind
- Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first thing we do is see if they have… Booth
- During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner." Age
- If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I… Bad
- Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune… Beings
- As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable-until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all,… All
- Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually ARE experts. Called
- A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go… Argument
- I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, "Yes, my name's Todd. Todd Blankenship." Oh, also I wish my last name was… Deep Thought
- If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are, little blacksmith. Anvil
- I'm just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope is wearing out is something I call "image fuzz-out." But I've never… Call
- I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan, they all bowed.… All
- When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I… Call
- I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans"… Americans
- Let's be honest: Isn't a lot of what we call tap dancing really just nerves? Call
- I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back. All
- When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but… Boy
- The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and… Bones
- If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him… Buck
- If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of… Amazed
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