All Jack Handey Quotes
- The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him! Change
- If the captain invited me to his party, after he had whipped me earlier in the day, up on deck, I guess I'd go, but… Captain
- I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little… Bits
- If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic. Avoid
- I think my favorite monster movie is "Gone With the Wind", because it has that ear monster and that big-dress monster. Big
- Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I… Beautiful
- If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's… Boss
- It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume… Any
- I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I… Children
- It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. Big
- I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like "Hey, when are you going to pay me that hundred… Borrowed
- I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not… All
- If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for… Breath
- Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn up. Better
- I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could… Cheap
- A quiz: If I am my brother's keeper, who am I? (Answer: me.) Answer
- If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I'd try to stay near the back. That way, if somebody shamed us into… Cowboy
- I bet what happend was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel. Bet
- Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. Animal
- If you're pretty happy, but you have a little Chihuahua that's always biting you on the ankles, still that's pretty good isn't it? I'm going… Ahead
- Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems" from burglars. All
- The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a… Asks
- Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull… Balance
- Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were… Across
- The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much,… Better