« All Good Quotes · Jack Handey's Page
Good Quotes by Jack Handey
- If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is…
- I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the…
- I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are…
- If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it,…
- I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up…
- When Armageddon comes, it would be good to be an Olympic athlete, because running real fast and jumping over stuff could come in handy.
- Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
- When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, the gathered together one evening, slapped each other on…
- If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I…
- One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him…
- I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the…
- I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be…
- When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
- You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe…
- Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opened wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and…
- I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant…
- Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around…
- I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down and…
- If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also…
- To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can…
- Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like…
- I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having…
- I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out…
- It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny…
- If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help: "Black-and-white, stinks all…
More Good Quotes
- Dedicate yourself to the good you deserve and desire for yourself. Give yourself peace of mind. You deserve to be happy. You… — Hannah Arendt
- The sad truth is that most evil is done by people who never make up their minds to be good or evil. — Hannah Arendt
- Few girls are as well shaped as a good horse. — Hannah Arendt
- Economic growth may one day turn out to be a curse rather than a good, and under no conditions can it either… — Hannah Arendt
- Having been a child actor, I remember how directors would trick me to get good performances out of me. I don't think… — Asia Argento
- I do think the heart can balance out the mind, if your heart is in a good place it can give you… — Alexis Arguello
- Aside from a handful of guys boxing is missing the good trainers, that's why our sport is so in the air now… — Alexis Arguello
- I work with really hard-working people who are really good at what they do. — J. J. Abrams
- From heresy, frenzy and jealousy, good Lord deliver me. — Ludovico Ariosto
- Jealousy is both reasonable and belongs to reasonable men, while envy is base and belongs to the base, for the one makes… — Aristotle
- Good habits formed at youth make all the difference. — Aristotle
- Therefore, the good of man must be the end of the science of politics. — Aristotle