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I Think Quotes by Jack Handey
- MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all get into the car - I forget what…
- Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the ones we have.
- If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is…
- I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know…
- If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying'. And if he asks why…
- I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped…
- If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to…
- Sometimes when I'm driving behind a big cement truck, I think of how the valve on the truck could suddenly open, spilling cement over my…
- I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up…
- To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time…
- One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him…
- I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the…
- When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
- I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his…
- I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant…
- Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if…
- I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.
- If you're robbing a bank and your pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh, and let your hostages laugh too, because come on…
- I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down and…
- I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can't seem…
- Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the…
- I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.
- If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of…
- I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb…
- I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood.…
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