« All Some Quotes · Jack Handey's Page
Some Quotes by Jack Handey
- MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all get into the car - I forget what…
- He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her.…
- I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are…
- If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!
- If I lived in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That was if some…
- I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they…
- Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only…
- The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some…
- I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can't seem…
- I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having…
- If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I…
- If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both…
- If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of…
- Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside,…
- There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he…
- Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head". Normally,…
- It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto…
- Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was…
- When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me,…
- To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between,…
- If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't…
- I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then…
- If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really…
- I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and…
- Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
More Some Quotes
- I'm hoping someday that some kid, black or white, will hit more home runs than myself. Whoever it is, I'd be pulling… — Hank Aaron
- Why, I'd like nothing better than to achieve some bold adventure, worthy of our trip. — Aristophanes
- If liberty and equality, as is thought by some, are chiefly to be found in democracy, they will be best attained when… — Aristotle
- To run away from trouble is a form of cowardice and, while it is true that the suicide braves death, he does… — Aristotle
- Every art and every inquiry, and similarly every action and choice, is thought to aim at some good; and for this reason… — Aristotle
- We have some material on spying by a major government on the tech industry. Industrial espionage. — Julian Assange
- I guess I wanted to leave America for awhile. It wasn't that I wanted to become an expatriate, or just never come… — Paul Auster
- Some choices we live not only once but a thousand times over, remembering them for the rest of our lives. — Richard Bach
- I would not suggest the U.S. should sit down with the North Koreans bilaterally immediately after they've fired missiles - because the… — Richard Armitage
- What annoys the hell out of me is the arrogance of some people. They don't even listen to our music, they decided… — Billie Joe Armstrong
- For some young people, their first experience ever hearing punk rock music was playing the Green Bay Packers on 'Madden'. — Billie Joe Armstrong
- I'm not going to conform to some consumer need. — Billie Joe Armstrong