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Best Good Quotes by Jack Handey
- Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're all covered with leeches. Just say, "Hey, has…
- A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them be real quiet,…
- If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or…
- You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just…
- If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a good gag…
- When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I…
- Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust…
- I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist, "You know what will save the world? You're holding…
- A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go…
- I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but…
- I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a…
- If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just…
- The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!
- If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's…
- It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume…
- If you're pretty happy, but you have a little Chihuahua that's always biting you on the ankles, still that's pretty good isn't it? I'm going…
- The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a…
- Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull…
- I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you…
- Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't…
- Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping…
- Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good," I said as…
- I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good…
- If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm…
- A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to…
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More Good Quotes
- Dedicate yourself to the good you deserve and desire for yourself. Give yourself peace of mind. You deserve to be happy. You… — Hannah Arendt
- The sad truth is that most evil is done by people who never make up their minds to be good or evil. — Hannah Arendt
- Few girls are as well shaped as a good horse. — Hannah Arendt
- Economic growth may one day turn out to be a curse rather than a good, and under no conditions can it either… — Hannah Arendt
- Having been a child actor, I remember how directors would trick me to get good performances out of me. I don't think… — Asia Argento
- I do think the heart can balance out the mind, if your heart is in a good place it can give you… — Alexis Arguello
- Aside from a handful of guys boxing is missing the good trainers, that's why our sport is so in the air now… — Alexis Arguello
- I work with really hard-working people who are really good at what they do. — J. J. Abrams
- From heresy, frenzy and jealousy, good Lord deliver me. — Ludovico Ariosto
- Jealousy is both reasonable and belongs to reasonable men, while envy is base and belongs to the base, for the one makes… — Aristotle
- Good habits formed at youth make all the difference. — Aristotle
- Therefore, the good of man must be the end of the science of politics. — Aristotle