All Jack Handey Quotes
- Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be… Acknowledged
- I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I believe in a God with a long white beard, a… Admit
- I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? Deep Thought
- I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence! Coincidence
- I think it's high time we started questioning the old cliches like "Grunt big for Daddy." Big
- I think man invented the car by instinct. Car
- I think one reason I could be a good playboy is I would be willing to spend the time required to really fix up my… Deep Thought
- I think they should continue the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for paneling. Continue
- I wish scientists would come up with an ear of corn that was big and round, because then when you were eating it, it'd be… Big
- I wonder if angels believe in ghosts. Angel
- I wonder if Dracula ever has ticks. Deep Thought
- If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels", because then I could go up and bite people… Bite
- Just as irrigation is the lifeblood of the Southwest, lifeblood is the soup of cannibals. Cannibal
- One question that's never been answered to my satisfaction by the "Playboy Advisor" is "What kind of stereo system works best in hell?" Advisor
- One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff. Believe
- Sometimes I wish Marta were more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car parked next to ours had a real dirty windshield; so… Asked
- Sometimes I wonder if I'm sexy enough. When I walk into a singles bar with my "fashionable" shirt, "fashionable" slacks, and a big new rubber… Bar
- When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too… Behind
- Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives. In… Aspect
- If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking… Deep Thought
- If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you… Age
- I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. but I know that secretly, they're watching my every… Animal
- I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on,… Any
- You know how to paint a room real fast? Just put paint rollers on your feet and then somehow figure out how to skate up… Across
- One day my friend called and said, "I FOUND JESUS!" and my response was "Great we are going to be rich." But it turned out… Called