All Jack Handey Quotes
- If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in their yard. Then tell them their ants ate your… Ants
- I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but… Aid
- I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the meanest man in town. But I said I thought he… Big
- If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth in your underwear, don't stop and start thinking of what other words have "under" in them, because… Deep Thought
- Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to… All
- Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's the least effective on me is a kind of clicking noise. All
- Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just walking down the… Bags
- Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S… Deep Thought
- I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a… Asked
- We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys… Ancients
- The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it? Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the meteor-through some kind… Big
- You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if you want to. But I'm telling you, I will bark at any sound… Any
- I bet when they weren't fighting, Vikings with horn helmets had to stick potatoes on the ends of the horns, so as to avoid eye… Avoid
- The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, "What am I doing?!" Day
- What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. that's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. That's… Afraid
- I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF! Is anyone listening to me?! Anyone
- Isn't it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle, and the next minute you're just driving real fast, swerving back and forth… Across
- Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. Both
- If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on… Ancient
- If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in, and there at… Bet
- I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the roof with his Superman cape on. "Get down!" yelled Uncle Lou. "Don't move!"… All
- I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say. Deep Thought
- It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were… Always Going
- I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take… Deep Thought
- If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just… Aliens