All Jack Handey Quotes
- If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both… Another City
- What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby? Maybe we'll never know. Baby
- I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away. Back Inside
- If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has… Been
- If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of… Adopting
- If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which… Browsing
- If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns… Ancient
- Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people… All
- I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling… Accept
- Whenever I need to "get away", I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and… Bad
- Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside,… Bad
- Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know sensuality if it bit her on the ass. Ass
- If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors. Bow
- I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No,… Another Emotion
- There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he… Beaver
- When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn… Best
- For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness. Add
- Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they've caused? All
- I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb… Argued
- After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a year, because, "Hey,… Buddy
- I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood.… Bowling
- A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it. Automatically
- It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just… Deep Thought
- I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying… Along
- I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns-regular sun and "rogue" sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was,… All