All Jack Handey Quotes
- Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been… Astronaut
- I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know… Administrators
- One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake. Children
- He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her.… Cowboy
- Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back.… Arm
- If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying'. And if he asks why… Another Cute
- I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped… Breed
- If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to… All
- If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and… Behind
- If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How… Carry
- I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are… Bet
- Sometimes when I'm driving behind a big cement truck, I think of how the valve on the truck could suddenly open, spilling cement over my… Awaken
- If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it,… All
- Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group… Another Group
- There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves. Apart
- Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I 'swarm about' to protect my nest of chocolate eggs. Bees
- I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up… Busy
- If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast. Behind
- Think about world peace; while you're doing that I'll be over here stealing your stuff. Deep Thought
- Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Not lifting weights doesn't kill me. Therefore not lifting weights makes me stronger. Deep Thought
- When Armageddon comes, it would be good to be an Olympic athlete, because running real fast and jumping over stuff could come in handy. Armageddon
- If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let go, because, they're gone, man. They're gone. Deep Thought
- Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling. Answer
- When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a… All
- If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think… Deep Thought