All Jack Handey Quotes
- I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down and… Afford
- Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going… All
- Isn't it funny how we'll look out the window at the moon, and then we notice it's not the moon but a streetlight? Also what's… Deep Thought
- Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because… All
- It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the house across the… Across
- There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no… Called
- If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also… Act
- I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can't seem… Act
- Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I… Accidentally
- My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one "swollen" shoe, for when you get bit by a rattlesnake. Bit
- To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can… Always Carry
- Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like… Author
- I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. Believe
- I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having… Animal
- If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. Avoid
- I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out… All
- You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water… Applaud
- Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait.… Deep Thought
- One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the… Asked
- If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once… Away Make
- If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I… Animal
- I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in… Act
- Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the… Deep Thought
- Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have… Across
- When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. Annoying