"The other day I got out my can……" — Jack Handey
"The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, "What am I doing?!""
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Jack Handey
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397 Quotes by Jack Handey
Jack Handey has 397 quotes on this site.
A few more worth reading:
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If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have…
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I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'
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People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side,…
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The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
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I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived…
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If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater, because then people would sing about me…
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Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's…
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What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that…
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Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
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Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around…
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MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all get into the…
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I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy…
See all 397 quotes by Jack Handey »
More Day Quotes
This quote is filed under Day Quotes,
one of 30,562 quotes in that category. Here are a few more:
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The most radical revolutionary will become a conservative the day after the revolution.
— Hannah Arendt
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Economic growth may one day turn out to be a curse rather than a good, and under no conditions can…
— Hannah Arendt
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The defiance of established authority, religious and secular, social and political, as a world-wide phenomenon may well one day be…
— Hannah Arendt
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I'd take precision any day over power; as far as being tactical you know you have to see what's going…
— Alexis Arguello
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For one swallow does not make a summer, nor does one day; and so too one day, or a short…
— Aristotle
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For as the eyes of bats are to the blaze of day, so is the reason in our soul to…
— Aristotle
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When it comes to the point where you occasionally look forward to being in prison on the basis that you…
— Julian Assange
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We construct a narrative for ourselves, and that's the thread that we follow from one day to the next. People…
— Paul Auster
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I write the paragraph, then I'm crossing out, changing words, trying to improve it. When it seems more or less…
— Paul Auster
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People are so damned afraid that one day they might wake up and discover that they've grown old.
— Billie Joe Armstrong
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Music - that's been my education. There's not a day that goes by that I take it for granted.
— Billie Joe Armstrong
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Compassion is a practically acquired knowledge, like dancing. You must do it and practice diligently day by day.
— Karen Armstrong
See all 30,562 Day Quotes »