All Jack Handey Quotes
- One day I saw a big kid beating up a little kid. I went over to the little kid and gave him a swift kick.… Beating
- Once I saw my parents argue because we didn't have a lot of money anymore. So, I did what I had to do. I got… Anymore
- If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be… Close
- I came here in peace, seeking gold and slaves. Came
- Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the world all want the same thing: a better… All
- I love going down to the elementary school, watching all the kids jump and shout, but they don't know I'm using blanks. All
- I want to recriminalise homosexuality, so i can feel dirty when i do it. Comedy
- With every new sunrise, there is a new chance. But with every sunset, you blew it. Blew
- If a kid ever asks you how Santa Claus can live forever, I think a good answer is that he drinks blood. Answer
- Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around. Birthday
- Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I grabbed his arm and twisted… Arm
- I think a pillow should be the peace symbol, not the dove. The pillow has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have a… Beak
- To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. Ballet
- Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers… All
- Good Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Easter. Bad Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Xmas. Bad
- I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye Bet
- If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. Beer
- Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. Always Thought
- If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of… Adopting
- I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum… Affair
- If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came up to you and asked where the gold was, I… Asked
- If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic. Avoid