"When I found the skull in the woods,……" — Jack Handey
"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns."
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Jack Handey
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397 Quotes by Jack Handey
Jack Handey has 397 quotes on this site.
A few more worth reading:
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If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have…
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I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'
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People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side,…
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The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
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I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived…
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If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater, because then people would sing about me…
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Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's…
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What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that…
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Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
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Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around…
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MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all get into the…
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I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy…
See all 397 quotes by Jack Handey »
More Call Quotes
This quote is filed under Call Quotes,
one of 9,288 quotes in that category. Here are a few more:
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With a goose-quill and a few sheets of paper, I mock myself of the universe. They say I am the…
— Pietro Aretino
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The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
— Richard Bach
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To surrender to ignorance and call it God has always been premature, and it remains premature today.
— Isaac Asimov
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To insult someone we call him 'bestial. For deliberate cruelty and nature, 'human' might be the greater insult.
— Isaac Asimov
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Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes,…
— Dave Attell
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All fiction is about people, unless it's about rabbits pretending to be people. It's all essentially characters in action, which…
— Margaret Atwood
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There's a difference between describing and evoking something. You can describe something and be quite clinical about it. To evoke…
— Margaret Atwood
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The same thing which is now called Christian religion existed among the ancients. They have begun to call 'Christian' the…
— Saint Augustine
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My idea of good company is the company of clever, well-informed people who have a great deal of conversation; that…
— Jane Austen
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Chance is an element of life. What I try to do is study what I call the mechanics of reality…
— Paul Auster
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I figure if I have my health, can pay the rent and I have my friends, I call it 'content.'
— Lauren Bacall
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I would hate now to be married. It does occur to me on occasion that, if I fall and hit…
— Lauren Bacall
See all 9,288 Call Quotes »