"Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead.……" — Jack Handey

"Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you."

— Jack Handey

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397 Quotes by Jack Handey

Jack Handey has 397 quotes on this site. A few more worth reading:

If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have…
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'
People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side,…
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived…
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater, because then people would sing about me…
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's…
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that…
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around…
MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all get into the…
I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy…

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More Better Quotes

This quote is filed under Better Quotes, one of 25,349 quotes in that category. Here are a few more:

I keep my friends as misers do their treasure, because, of all the things granted us by wisdom, none is… — Pietro Aretino
Why, I'd like nothing better than to achieve some bold adventure, worthy of our trip. — Aristophanes
If one way be better than another, that you may be sure is nature's way. — Aristotle
It is clearly better that property should be private, but the use of it common; and the special business of… — Aristotle
Making mistakes is a lot better than not doing anything. — Billie Joe Armstrong
I think when you're 10 years old, it's too much to see something with the threat of death in every… — J. J. Abrams
Ever since the Crusades, when Christians from western Europe were fighting holy wars against Muslims in the near east, western… — Karen Armstrong
The power of one, if fearless and focused, is formidable, but the power of many working together is better. — Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Suppose that we are wise enough to learn and know - and yet not wise enough to control our learning… — Isaac Asimov
I can scarcely manage to scribble a tolerable English letter. I know that I am not a scholar, but meantime… — John James Audubon
God judged it better to bring good out of evil than to suffer no evil to exist. — Saint Augustine
Anything in any way beautiful derives its beauty from itself and asks nothing beyond itself. Praise is no part of… — Marcus Aurelius

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