All Jack Handey Quotes
- Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he… Accomplished
- Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make… Attached
- Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opened wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and… Arms
- It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running… Angry
- I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant… Around Everyone
- If I ever get rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now. Ever Get
- Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if… Ant
- One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse. Box
- The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some… Completely
- I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur. Bark
- If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity 'happen.' Common
- Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around… Any
- Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out. Bad
- If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. Bet
- Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go the later you think you are. Clock
- If you're robbing a bank and your pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh, and let your hostages laugh too, because come on… Bank
- I'd rather be rich than stupid. Inspirational
- Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and… Dog
- I had dreams once. Once I wanted to build the world's longest suspension bridge. But then I found out someone else had already done it. Already Done
- The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow… Boy
- Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that his arms and legs form 'spokes.' Happiness is when he… Arms
- If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing… Act
- If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing… Across
- Eventually, I believe, everything evens out. Long ago an asteroid hit our planet and killed our dinosaurs. But in the future, maybe we'll go to… Ago
- Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Basically, it's made up of two separate words — mank and… Look