All Jack Handey Quotes
- To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time… Circus
- If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that's what He's getting! Deep Thought
- When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, the gathered together one evening, slapped each other on… Age
- If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I… Asked
- If I lived in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That was if some… Aleck
- I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those really high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals. Bet
- Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's… Animal
- As we were driving, we saw a sign that said, "Watch for Rocks." Martha said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her… Deep Thought
- One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him… Burned
- If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flipper, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flipper, wouldn't you? You'd be… Deep Thought
- As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning,… Caught
- Martha says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Martha. Grow up. Connected
- If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that… Able
- I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the… Brain
- I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they… Baby
- It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the the guy at the… All
- I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be… Bigger
- Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only… Ambition
- If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man,… Begging
- When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. Ask
- I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his… Call
- You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe… Clown
- Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring… Better
- Blow ye winds, like the trumpet blows; but without that noise. Blow
- The old pool shooter has won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did… All