« All Up Quotes · Jack Handey's Page
Best Up Quotes by Jack Handey
- Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground. You pull it up and pull it up, but that…
- I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He'd get right up next to your face…
- I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then…
- To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of the fort, it was more than that. It was…
- If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a good gag…
- If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you…
- I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist, "You know what will save the world? You're holding…
- If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get…
- I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to AIM a gun…
- If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I…
- When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I…
- I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but…
- Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to…
- I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a…
- I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the roof with his Superman cape on. "Get down!" yelled Uncle Lou. "Don't move!"…
- If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just…
- If the captain invited me to his party, after he had whipped me earlier in the day, up on deck, I guess I'd go, but…
- If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's…
- Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn up.
- The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much,…
- Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked…
- I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you…
- The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old…
- I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.
- I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
More Ways to Read Up Quotes by Jack Handey
More Up Quotes
- The sad truth is that most evil is done by people who never make up their minds to be good or evil. — Hannah Arendt
- Revolutionaries do not make revolutions. The revolutionaries are those who know when power is lying in the street and then they can… — Hannah Arendt
- I try to push ideas away, and the ones that will not leave me alone are the ones that ultimately end up… — J. J. Abrams
- All virtue is summed up in dealing justly. — Aristotle
- Growing up, my ideals were Barbra Streisand, Cher, and my mom. — Kevyn Aucoin
- When I was growing up, the men in my life were abusive; women were the ones I ran to for comfort. — Kevyn Aucoin
- Stories surge up out of nowhere, and if they feel compelling, you follow them. You let them unfold inside you and see… — Paul Auster
- Films and television and even comic books are churning out vast quantities of fictional narratives, and the public continues to swallow them… — Paul Auster
- Nothing is more memorable than a smell. One scent can be unexpected, momentary and fleeting, yet conjure up a childhood summer beside… — Diane Ackerman
- I write the paragraph, then I'm crossing out, changing words, trying to improve it. When it seems more or less OK, then… — Paul Auster
- Get this in mind early: We never grow up. — Richard Bach
- People are so damned afraid that one day they might wake up and discover that they've grown old. — Billie Joe Armstrong