“I grew a mustache, and I grew it in my garden. My mustache is organic, and will taste tasty on your mouth.” — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“There should always be one more cat than person, so everyone has one to pet, and I have two to myself.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“Each one of my nostrils is the size of my urethra. Every breath smells like piss.” — Jarod Kintz Piss Copy Share Image
“I did a charity walk the other day. They asked for money, and I walked.” — Jarod Kintz Generosity Copy Share Image
“My baby nephew is a real ladies man. He doesn't need to pick up women. They pick him up.” — Jarod Kintz Ladies man Copy Share Image
“Water always flows downhill. So does my love. Are you prepared for a flood? You’d better build an ark.” — Jarod Kintz Flood Copy Share Image
“I’m such a germaphobe that I think sanitation gloves should be thicker than boxing gloves.” — Jarod Kintz Boxing gloves Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to start a civil war. And then that same brick could be used to start building the… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“Do I look like someone you know? Well you don’t know me, so why don’t you go bother my clone? And if… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“When thinking about yesterday, contrasted with today, I can’t help but observe that today by definition means I’m one day closer to… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“I've never had a one-night stand with anybody over the course of a whole weekend. I've also never had a one-night stand… — Jarod Kintz Date Copy Share Image
“A brick is a good object to hide a house key under. No burglar will be able to get to your key,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to declare war on a country made of glass. I’ll bet those citizens would love to drink… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“Amputate your leg, and attach it to the underside of your wobbly, three-legged chair. Fixing your chair is easy. Ask me how… — Jarod Kintz Broken Erection Copy Share Image
“My stomach is my locker. Let me store your lunch for you. You’ll get it back, it’ll just be squishy, brown, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was hot so I gave myself a haircut. I then saw a bald man sweating, so I offered to tweeze his… — Jarod Kintz Bald man Copy Share Image
“We all want somebody to share our life and love with. But if there are an odd number of people on the… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I like to use my influence for good, rather than evil. And in this case, the good is a free meal at… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I don’t understand why you don’t trust me. It’s not like you have a reason to not trust me. So, lend me… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I want to buy designer sunglasses and change my name to The Lunar Child III. It would make me a better lover,… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“The only sad part for me about getting a cat from the pound is that I can only choose one. If I… — Jarod Kintz Animal shelter Copy Share Image
“From the corner of my eye I saw her. Of course this chance encounter with Rebecca wasn’t serendipitous. (I’m not throwing that… — Jarod Kintz Rebecca Copy Share Image
“Why is a talkative person called a Chatty Cathy? That phrase possesses brevity, when someone verbose should instead be called a Chattering… — Jarod Kintz Brevity Copy Share Image
“Before I’ll take my clone on as a pupil in the craft of writing, he must prove his worthiness. He must write… — Jarod Kintz Best teacher Copy Share Image
“The passenger door was wide open, nobody was around, and a purse was inside. Was this a trap? It seemed too good… — Jarod Kintz 48 hours Copy Share Image
“I am excited to report that I may have gotten a job as an elevator attendant. It's a three-flight elevator, and my… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“The owner of The Mandrake Hotel and Resort is a man called Rot, a billionaire like Bill Gates, only nerdier. Rot Kugelschreiber… — Jarod Kintz Owner Mandrake Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to show you how to live a richer, fuller, more satisfying life. Don’t you want to have… — Jarod Kintz Atom bomb Copy Share Image
“Zebras are the lions of the animal world. I mean they would be, if lions weren’t already the lions of the animal… — Jarod Kintz Song Copy Share Image
“Coaching is the only thing where the more someone else practices, the better you get. That’s my kind of hard work. People… — Jarod Kintz Coach Copy Share Image
“Your mother, my mother, and mother of pearl walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hello, dad, you look more like… — Jarod Kintz French revolution Copy Share Image
