Humor Quotes · Page 786

The way he's swinging the bat, he won't get a hit until the 20th century.

— Jerry Coleman

So have your wits about you, and do what you can and dig in, because it might not last.

— Ethel Kennedy

Amy [ Schumer] is a really, really hilarious writer.She's super funny, and I feel like the core of our senses of humor…

— Katie Dippold

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

— Anonymous

“... a metaphor ... is like lying but more decorative.”

— Terry Pratchett

“Somewhere near the Alamo, a bugle brayed: either that or McCulloch’s men had found some reason to torture a poor, defenseless donkey.”

— Harry Turtledove

Im happy to say that at 62, I think Ive reached that point where stuff doesnt bother me as much, and my…

— Bonnie Raitt

It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura,…

— George Carlin

“I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing…

— David Cross

“Olivia sat back and propped her half-boots on the table. 'So far it's working. He has to return to me because I…

— Kresley Cole

“was the ancient theory that health and illness resulted from a balance or imbalance of bodily liquids (humors). One of the most…

— Anonymous

“I mean really, how could an artistic individual stay grounded in the nitty-gritty of how many minutes per pound meat has to…

— E.A. Bucchianeri

“We need to get you to stop thinking of me as a friend, and start thinking of me as that incredibly hot…

— Elle Parker

“You cannot discover new oceans until you are willing to lose sight of the shore.”

— Sharon Leaf

“Di a tus amigos que soy el último de una raza agonizante. Único superviviente de un planeta moribundo. He venido a robar…

— Stephen King

Your ignorance is showing..

— Raghib Clitso

Bronco, The - You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, yougrab her tits as…

— Anonymous

“It's perfectly normal that extraordinary things happen to me. I'm an exceptional person. Oh, don't think I'm boasting. I mean to say…

— Cocteau

“Who wants to go down the creepy tunnel inside the tomb first? — Riley Poole ”

— Ann Lloyd

To me, comedy and music are not even really separate entities.

— Kyle Gass

“Why do people say available,actually they are not pertaining to...this is Bullshit!!”

— Nikhil Deshpande

Houston has its largest crowd of the night here this evening.

— Jerry Coleman

Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said "Anybody got an aspirin? I think I've got a cold."

— Denis Leary

As you know it is a comedy so everything is a little bit pushed. That's what's funny about this kind of movie…

— Sophie Marceau

Good late-night humor can work at any time of the day.

— Rich Eisen

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

— Mitch Hedberg

The secret to success is to subjugate your ego and serve others.

— Stuart Wilde

I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians…

— Demetri Martin

“Too many OB/GYN’s aren’t able to practice their love with women all across the country.”

— George W. Bush

“Develop a prejudice; find evidence to support it and you’d have made yourself a logically evaluated, arguable opinion.”

— Rajendra Punde

“You called him a big dumb dodo?" Caroline asked later that night as the two of them sat on Jane's couch watching…

— Rachel Gibson

“I would be lying if I said I didn't get a kick out of the assignment. Here I am, a "troubled youth,"…

— Lindsey Leavitt

“Qualities of a Good Nurse: Go," I said. "1. Doesn't pun on your disability," Isaac said. "2. Gets blood on the first…

— John Green

Laughter is holier than piety, freedom is sweeter than fame, and in the end it's love and love alone that really matters.

— Tom Robbins

“When a man is on the road to power he buys everyone a drink. Once elected he tries to close the saloons.”

— Robert Lautner

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by…

— Frankie Boyle

If you look at a bill of comics at a comedy club they spread the women out over the months because there…

— Sarah Millican

[ Gil Cates] said, "You've got a point of view with your magic. There's this comedy to it, there's drama. You're telling…

— David Copperfield

“Been there, Remiel. Done that. Wore the T-Shirt, ate the burger, bought the original cast album, choreographed the legions of the damned…

— Neil Gaiman

“Bitches will take your ass down if you try to publish that. Peace out.”

— Libba Bray