Funny people come from all over. I think Michigan has dark humor on lock, though. Michigan, to me, is equal parts beautiful… — Paul Walter Hauser Copy Share Image
After the 1984 Summer Olympics, Reagan wanted to add the U.S. volleyball team to his Cabinet. He figured if they can't shove… — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
“Jen felt a hand rest at the nape of her neck as a voice spoke softly next to her ear, "If you… — Quinn Loftis Copy Share Image
“She's in the Catskill," Shopie began, but Scathach reached over and pinched her hand. "Ouch!" I just wanted to distract you," Scathach… — Michael Scott Copy Share Image
“You’re not the only one in this relationship who loves a challenge,” he says. “And just so you know for the future,… — Simone Elkeles Copy Share Image
“Hello?" I say, sounding upbeat, and like I'm happy to be on the phone. I decide to pretend it's my imaginary girlfriend.… — Lauren Barnholdt Copy Share Image
I understand a woman who validates herself by getting attention from the opposite sex. I have a friend who is that to… — Cheryl Hines Copy Share Image
“Here you are. Would you like some pickles?” “Pickles gives me the wind something awful.” “In that case—” “Oh, I wasn’t saying… — Terry Pratchett Copy Share Image
You can't make Christ funny. He's self-aware, he's too flexible within the situation. It's rigidity, it's when the ego takes over and… — John Cleese Copy Share Image
Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he's in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
It's funny because I think a lot of it is simply... We've never considered ourselves satirists, but because we're on Comedy Central… — Trey Parker Copy Share Image
“And you’re overthinking things, Charming. Do the math. Naked, interested man, check. Wet, willing woman, double check. Now insert part A into… — Jane Cousins Copy Share Image
To have seen Italy without having seen Sicily is to not have seen Italy at all, for Sicily is the clue to… — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe Copy Share Image
Police officer to a drunk Guy:How high are u? Drunk guy:no officer that's wrong English,y0u sh0uld say….Hi! How are you? — Melchor Lim Copy Share Image
“Oh gosh, it's moving! It's so gross! Can't you just, like, flex your butt or something? Why, yes. Travis clenched his teeth.… — Rachel Van Dyken Copy Share Image
I've always been funny, but I never considered it as a particular career path until my early 30s, when I realized that… — Amanda Seales Copy Share Image
“Is this why you think you are chosen by God, because only you can understand the funnies that you make about yourself?” — Jonathan Safran Foer Copy Share Image
I love Kate Moss. I've worked with her a couple of times, and she is a great girl, really funny and easy… — Twiggy Copy Share Image
It's kind of sad to say now - I mean, it's funny because it worked out - but I told my mom… — Kelsey Plum Copy Share Image
They seal the subway change-booth guy up inside this thing with bullet-proof glass, closed in on all sides, it's like some kind… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Truly love you endlessly. Every day without you is like a book without pages. I love you, I will always do, for… — F Abahusain Copy Share Image
My knowledge of the universe is that if I write stupid jokes, the universe gives me a really nice house and great… — Joel Klein Copy Share Image
Some BOY's hold their Girlfriend's hand in malls Bcoz if they leave her hand she'll start shopping.. It looks Romantic but actually… — Unkown Copy Share Image
By nature, I am a materialist... It is exactly these impingements upon our sense of touch and so forth that I'm interested… — Carl Andre Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to talk about it,” she said. Once again he was close. Too close. So damn close. “At all,” she… — Jill Shalvis Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. In my dream I stole all your money, kidnapped your parents, and mailed you mannequin parts… — Dark Jar Tin Zoo Copy Share Image
When you're are playing for the national championship, it's not a matter of life or death. Its more important than that. — Duffy Daugherty Copy Share Image
Wondering why logging onto Face book has become part of the everyday routine?… Do I really have nothing better to do! — Serenity Karma Copy Share Image
Sometimes I'll put on a Zig Ziglar tape: he's a motivational speaker who is really funny and really American. I know I… — Laila Rouass Copy Share Image
When a human being trips I laugh at them. When I drop my phone my heart skips a beat. That sums up… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I don't really tell a joke, I react to situations. The whole thing is just looking at somebody and showing all our… — Don Rickles Copy Share Image
If you wagered $5,000 on each of my winning NFL picks in 2012 and $500 ($550) on each of my losing picks, you'd be ahead $70,050. Wow. — Norman Chad Copy Share Image
Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I am a fan of all genres. My big thing is to serve the purpose of the script and what the director… — Terry Crews Copy Share Image
Awkward psht, fumble a 6 year olds new toy at the family Christmas party for 15 minutes to get it to work,… — Trim1man Copy Share Image
The Secretary, working in the Dismal Swamp betimes next morning, was informed that a youth waited in the hall who gave the… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
“I had everything before I met you." he said, unable to make eye contact with me. "Funny" I said with more sadness… — John Goode Copy Share Image
Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals when their cheery effect is needed. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
“Oh, storms. That was awful." "No it was funny. You seem to get those two mixed up a lot. Don't worry. I'm… — Brandon Sanderson Copy Share Image
