I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“First draft blues: "He tested the stick and glanced at the set handbrake. With his feet he felt the accelerator, the brake,… — J. Gunnar Grey Copy Share Image
You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number, but often they'll use too many letters? "Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting."… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Its funny because Im playing a dad in some scenes in Breaking Dawn and Im portraying one in a movie Im doing… — Robert Pattinson Copy Share Image
I detest jokes - when somebody tells me one, I feel my IQ dropping; the brain cells start to disappear. But something… — Johnny Depp Copy Share Image
Girls, you know it's all just a game to them, relationships. Just go around stomping on everyone… I mean, look at this… — Robert Pattinson Copy Share Image
People are too afraid of uptown. A lot of people will tell you, like, "Don't go to Harlem. You can never go… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
But it's funny growing up, because everyone treats you - as twins growing up, everyone treats you like you're one person a… — Drew Scott Copy Share Image
That Awkward Moment When You Tell The Guy You Like That You Like Him, But He Tells You He Don't Like You,… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If it tastes funny, don't eat it. If it looks funny, call a doctor. If it is funny, it must have been… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You suggested to split the profits, so I did. I threw one half in the furnace… — Bauvard Copy Share Image
Go on, try weasel, try squirrel; it tastes like chicken, it tastes just like chicken! If it tastes just like chicken, why… — Bobcat Goldthwait Copy Share Image
“Kate stood by the door with her arms crossed. That was an anti-Curran pose. What the hell was the Beast Lord doing… — Ilona Andrews Copy Share Image
I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock -… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
The first thing that I learned - and I understood it at a really young age - was that I could get… — George Clooney Copy Share Image
Ethical dilemmas have a way of sneaking up on a person. If something smells funny, stay away from it. Or help get… — Price Pritchett Copy Share Image
The funny thing in France is that writers are not allowed to retire, because the French government say you are still earning… — Peter Mayle Copy Share Image
My friend had breast cancer and I came with her to the operation. We were taking funny pictures of her in her… — Lou Sanders Copy Share Image
I would love to be more specific, but really, any type of bird is the funniest animal. They have to move awkwardly… — Kurt Braunohler Copy Share Image
Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a 200-hundred-year supply of brake fluid. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“No tricks, Syn,” Ryder growled from where he stood a few feet away. “Tricks are for kids, silly rabbit,” I said” — Amelia Hutchins Copy Share Image
“I didn't enjoy being a snake, and yet I appear to be doomed to be reminded of it for all eternity,' Cardan… — Holly Black Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when you think you know someone that you havent seen in years and approaches them screaming out their name… — Shaquille Solomon Copy Share Image
“Et peut-être la posterité me saura gré de lui avoir fait connaître que les Anciens n’ont pas tout su. ( And perhaps,… — Pierre De Fermat Copy Share Image
While it might surprise many ecologists to hear, capitalism is itself the ultimate form of conservationism. Capitalists seek to conserve resources, not… — Steven Plaut Copy Share Image
Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was… — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when you come home from school, look in the mirror and are like, 'Did I really look like that… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Truly competent Literary Detectives are as rare as truthful men, Mr. Tweed -- you can see her potential as clearly as I… — Jasper Fforde Copy Share Image
People like her because she's like a breath of fresh air. Because in the fifth book it gets so dark and Harry's… — Evanna Lynch Copy Share Image
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. — Edgar Fiedler Copy Share Image
That Moment When You're Having a Bad Day So You Lock yourself In Your Room And StartSinging And You Realize Your Singing… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I consider myself very fortunate to grow up in a time when my family, my friends don't look at me funny because… — Christie Hefner Copy Share Image
“Some vampires wouldn't react if you shoved a rosary down their pants, though I wouldn't recommend testing the theory.” — Molly Harper Copy Share Image
“I sure wasn't going to ask Aunt Sally, because if she told me once that getting your period was like a moth… — Phyllis Reynolds Naylor Copy Share Image
If we can send a person to the moon, we can send someone with AIDS to the moon, and then someday we… — Sarah Silverman Copy Share Image
“She said, “Look me right in the eye, and tell me you don’t love me, and I’ll go.” He stared at her.… — John C. Wright Copy Share Image
There's something about [cyclically] doing something over and over and over that seems to be particularly demotivating. — Dan Ariely Copy Share Image
Ok, soooo I really have an overactive imagination, lol! Here is just an excerpt of sorts haha you tell me what you… — Treasure/Heroine/Actress/Princess Copy Share Image
Middle age is Janus-faced. As we look back on our accomplishments and our failures to achieve the things we wanted, we look… — Stanley H Cath Copy Share Image
![“There's something about [cyclically] doing something over and over and over that seems to be particularly demotivating.” quote by Dan Ariely](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/cf4/dan-ariely-1899_doing_there-s-something-about-cyclically-doing_735555.jpg)
